"Brought to you by
the Cannis Games
Editing Network" |
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"News from across
the Network and
around the Site" |
August 23, 2006 / Vol. 1, No. 2 / Weather: Chance of meteor showers, with likely temperature of absolute zero. / www.cannis.net
IN THIS ISSUE:
Marshall's New Broom Sweeps Clean
Got toys in your attic? Clear 'em out...
Creative Writing Class Warfare
We break our own rule against gay-ass poetry. Nooo!!...
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:: Departments ::
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"I'd say, this sucks!"
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The Editor's Desk
Meet the Press
Welcome once again to the C-GEN newsletter. You may well wonder why I, Wrecking Crew, am writing the Editor's Desk piece, when I am not an
editor. If so, you are not alone.
In any event, it occurs to me that it might be useful to assist the reader by introducing the staff, which puts this very odd publication
together. And if I'm wrong about that, and the reader doesn't actually give a crap, then at least this will serve as a useful list of
perpetrators to be made available to the authorities:
Editor-in-Chief: CannisRabidus
He donated his brain to science before he was done using it. Would argue with a signpost.
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Managing Editors: The Phiend, Cylor
These guys are out of their depth in a puddle, and are prime candidates for natural DE-Selection.
Contributing Editor: Jason
The brainy one of the bunch. He has two of them, one's lost and the other's out looking for it.
Art Director: Blaze
He works well when under constant supervision, and cornered like a womp rat in a trap.
NewsMonkeys: Airstriker, AcidRoach, DCoder, Wrecking Crew
This group sets itself a low standard, and then consistently fails to achieve it. This is because they have photographic memories, but forget
to take the lens cover off.
-Wrecking Crew
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Mods & Projects
Marshall's Clean-Up Program II
- by Wrecking Crew
This new version of the RA2YR Cleanup Program will have the following changes from
the original (details explained, for dumbasses):
1. Improved clean-up support. Includes ability to deactivate FA2YR switching modules (Ehh? Well, don't worry if you don't know what these are), and also give special treatment to mods that are created with the YR Mod Install-Maker (not yet released).
Translation: This program will give better support for unbelievable switching modules and the non-existant Mod Install-Maker. That's what I call "special treatment".
2. Each clean-up item has a list of corresponding files, which are now displayed to you, along with descriptions of those files. If you don't trust the Clean-Up Program to backup and/or delete your files, you can now just use it to give you a report of those files, so that you can deal with them yourself.
Translation: 
3. Includes a mod troubleshooting guide, containing all the standard methods of fixing a problem before you contact the mod author for help.
Translation: Includes steel-capped boots and sledge-hammer. To clarify, these items are for use on your machine, not the mod author.
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4. If you don't like the default backup folder, you can specify a different one.
Translation: I don't give a sh*t what you do, just don't bother me.
5. Updated to support the new YR Playlist Manager (not yet released).
Translation: Manager still in prison.
6. Capable of detecting and cleaning up Rock Patch 1.08 and later (not yet released).
Translation: Contains spectacles and shovels when/if needed.
7. Problem: Terrain Expansion 2.02 and earlier will be treated as General Mod Files. 2.02a and higher will be recognized as a separate component.
Translation: Upgrade or suffer, fools!
8. Now includes clean up support for the Taunts folder (as the Rock Patch now allows additional taunts). This is not capable of detecting or removing changes to the original taunt files, only removing additional ones.
Translation: Removes comments denigrating our senior staff members, and leaves those that are irrelevent.
9. Dual compatability with original Yuri's Revenge and The First Decade YR.
Translation: Mods now suffer from Split Personality Disorders.
10. Regardless of whether files are backed up or not, removed files will now be sent to the Recycle Bin instead of being permanently deleted.
Translation: This will make YOU do something for a change.
11. Further to change #2, individual files can be sent to the recycle bin, rather than removing an entire group (if you want. Although files are not backed up if individually deleted).
Translation: Don't bother, as #2 has fixed it for you.
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Footman Team Fortress
- by Wrecking Crew
For those gamers who, for some strange reason, find a need to play something other than
CannisRules, C-GEN has generously given hosting space to a
couple of weird guys who play Warcraft III and felt a need to impose their peculiar
stamp on the game.
The management and sensible people working at this site will NOT be held responsible for any marital or mental problems arising from playing
FTF. And not just because there are no sensible people working at this site.
To recap a report from a self-proclaimed "fruity loon":
- Supports up to twelve players, in four teams of three
- Nine player-selectable races, including Dwarves and Naga
- Over 25 custom heroes, including the Tower Sorceress, Ogre Magi and Mind Flayer
- Over 200 total hero abilities, including ones unlike anything in the standard game
- Each hero has access to five abilites with six levels each
- Hero level capped at 50
- A number of troop upgrades, including two special racial upgrades, all conveniently packed into your home base
- Other cool stuff you can read about on the C-GEN front page
- Lots more cool stuff you can find out for yourself when you download Footman Team Fortress
Yeah, a fruity loon alright. August and The Phiend have worked long and hard on this,
and we know you'll agree that it's the best Warcraft III map you've ever played. And that's a claim we can guarantee, at least for anyone
who's never played any Warcraft III map before.
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The Phiend also egotistically mentioned this in the forums,
since not everyone here already has Warcraft III (as in, we think only two or three people have it):
"If you don't have Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne, then you owe it to yourself to pick it up if only for the sake of owing it to
yourself to get Footman Team Fortress. Of course, you may need to get the original
Warcraft III (Reign of Chaos) to get The Frozen Throne expansion to be usable, in which case you owe it to yourself to get that too.
So basically, you owe it to yourself to get WC3 to owe it to yourself to get TFT to owe it to yourself to get
FTF. You owe it to yourself to owe it to yourself to owe it to yourself, and there's
acronyms to mix up. That's how taxes and national deficits work. The difference:
Footman Team Fortress is fun for everyone involved."
WARNING: August has fallen victim to a strange malady after playing non-stop.
We suspect it may have been the Draenei Pyromancer who has given him a fever, but with all the rubbish he eats, who can tell? It could just
as easily be post traumatic stress after all the work he put into the project...
We advise you not to play this unless you are made of "The Right Stuff"! So...
go get it now to find if you're made of
"The Right Stuff"!
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Fear the Reaper
- by Katmandu
Well, it's that time of year again - crops are ripe and ready to be picked. Yep, it's harvest time. And that means we need -- you got it --
harvesters! And lots of 'em!
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Airstriker of TibGen has generously offered to supply some of his custom-made
harvesters to the farmers of America. These might be a little too rough for corn (and
anything else that grows visibly above ground, for that matter), but they certainly can handle that
Tiberium well.
Other responses were also less than enthusiastic. Potato and carrot farmers turned down
Airstriker's offer, saying many consumers prefer to season their produce personally
post-market.
The rest of the agricultural sector, while appreciative, respectfully declined, subtly insisting that migrant workers required less of an
ongoing investment.
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Also, the U.S. Department of Agriculture stated its disfavorable view of pre-seasoned foodstuffs, citing precendents involving sodium
content.
Some in Washington echoed the concerns, with one prominent legislator reportedly saying, "Think of the implications. Are we
prepared for the nation's toilets to be filled with green, glowing feces? I think not".
Other botanical fields were more receptive of the offer, however, as growers of certain recreational weeds were fighting amongst themselves
to get at the somewhat limited supply of harvesters. A spokesman, who declined to be
named, said "These machines will cut our harvesting time in half, with the added bonus of
Tiberian flavor permeating throughout the mulch!"
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From the Forums
The Mystery Within
(Creative Writing, about Creative Writing)
- by Jason
When the satire of the forums,
keeps us going everyday.
When the mystery within,
gives excitment to those around.
When the talk of old,
reminds us all of Wrecking Crew.
When...
Hey, why am I writing a poem? This is supposed to be a segment about the forums. Whatever, I guess that I better stick to my given
topic or Cylor will kick my arse. For the sake of clarification, lets replace "forums" with "Creative Writing".
Ever since Cylor came up with the creative writing idea, it
has thrown the entire forum into chaos. The two factions that it has created are
the "readers" and the "writers", the former being the dominant faction. That's not too hard to see when you have
stories about teenagers running around in tights with superpowers
who scare everyone till they hide under their bed. Then you have the angst that this causes, and thus then have that being written about
also. Let's not forget the collective poem by Wrecking Crew,
that almost obliterated the entire forum. It is no wonder Cannis takes so many vacations from us... we drive him past insanity.
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More Forum Stuff
- compiled by The Phiend
General Discussions is SO big, it took TWO issues to fit a summary of it in the newsletter! This has absolutely nothing to do with the small
article size in the first issue. Trust me.
- The C-Gen Dictionary, filled to the
brim with unusual words for those among you who like things like...writing. It's a nice skill, that writing, makes people enjoy reading your
posts and such.
- Facts and useless information, for...facts and
information. I wouldn't say it's entirely useless though, as the post on the first page saying it's illegal to pump your own gas in Oregon
is entirely correct, and might save you from breaking the law if you're ever in Oregon. And no I won't give you my address. STALKER!
- Right now, where people post what's happening... right
now. Or right then, actually, but "Right Then" is too much like "Righty-o" in meaning for a thread title. Which makes
about as much sense as the topic itself, really.
- Quote, Unquote, where C-GEN
residents show that they can't come up with anything insightful on their own. At least they're nice enough to admit it.
- The Movie Trailer, which is an assortment of movie
"buzzphrases", or whatever you call that distilled advertising intent that makes you want to do something besides watch the movie
in question. Basically Word Association with all-caps
phrases, except more comprehendable. Which admittedly isn't saying much.
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Fearless Feature
Solid Snake vs. Sam Fisher: The "Final" Decision
- by Cylor
Anyway, Solid Snake and Sam Fisher. The two main characters of what are undisputably the two biggest stealth gaming franchises, Konami's
Metal Gear and UbiSoft's Splinter Cell. Each of them has a new game expected to hit the market within the next year. And as if
that's not enough, they each also have a live-action movie in the works. But which of them is truly the ultimate stealthy super-soldier?
Well, let's compare, shall we?
For the record, I make no pretense of being unbiased (though I make plenty of pretense of being right).
SNAKE: Has been a towering icon of console gaming since 1987.
FISHER: Has not laughed since 1987.
WINNER: Snake
SNAKE: Was created by Kojima Hideo, who began as a lowly programmer at Konami, but through the success of his games, has become one of the most respected figures in the gaming industry.
FISHER: Was created by someone who works for Tom Clancy, international best-selling author.
WINNER: Fisher
SNAKE: Is modeled after the character "Snake" Plisskin, portrayed by Kurt Russell in John Carpenter's cult classic action cheesefest Escape from New York.
FISHER: Is... not modeled after anyone in particular, was an original design.
WINNER: Snake
SNAKE: Is voiced by D-list actor David Hayter, who starred in Guyver 2: Dark Hero, co-wrote the first two X-Men movies with director Bryan Singer, and wrote the screenplay for The Scorpion King.
FISHER: Is voiced by veteran B-list actor Michael Ironside, who schooled Tom Cruise in Top Gun, beat up Arnold Schwarzenegger in Total Recall, and bossed around Casper Van Diem in Starship Troopers.
WINNER: Fisher
SNAKE: Is cloned from "the greatest soldier in history", Big Boss.
FISHER: Is... not.
WINNER: Snake
SNAKE: Smokes heavily and won't embark on a mission without his cigarettes/cigars.
FISHER: Chews gum.
WINNER: Snake
SNAKE: Has a mullet.
FISHER: Uses Just for Men.
WINNER: Tie
SNAKE: Uses a vast array of camoflouge paints and uniforms, and the all-important cardboard box (!) to conceal himself in any environment.
FISHER: Uses a high-tech SEALS wetsuit, silent movement and the cover of darkness to avoid detection.
WINNER: Tie
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SNAKE: Has mastered dozens of different weapons, as well as elaborate forms of unarmed combat which can easily disarm and dispatch any adversary.
FISHER: Has mastered a handgun and assault rifle with dozens of different functions, is also an expert in close combat, and is without equal in the deadly art of sarcasm.
WINNER: Tie
SNAKE: Takes orders from (in different games) a washed-up Colonel who's behind on his alimony payments, a former British SAS trooper who looks like Michael Caine, and an American Otaku whose past exploits include pissing his pants in public and driving his father to suicide by banging his stepmother (ouch).
FISHER: Takes orders from an overweight, middle-aged black desk jockey at DoD who likes to talk about Dutch brothels.
WINNER: Fisher (but it was a tough call)
SNAKE: Sometimes refrains from killing his enemies during missions to avoid long-winded guilt trips from both his "support" crew and adversaries, alike.
FISHER: Sometimes refrains from killing his enemies during missions to avoid causing a major international incident and possibly igniting World War III.
WINNER: Fisher
SNAKE: Wages a (mostly) one-man war against various teams of freaks and weirdoes who possess superhuman powers, Russian gunslingers with bizarre sexual preferences, and his clone brothers (looooooong story) to defend the elusive myth of world peace from the threat posed by bipedal, nuclear-equipped walking battle tanks.
FISHER: Uses his Fifth Freedom to spy on, interrogate, and assassinate Georgian terrorists, Canadian superhackers, Indonesian rebels, renegade North Korean generals and other enemies of the United States. One of these days, he might even get around to fighting Islamofascist militants, too, but I'm not holding my breath.
WINNER: Fisher
SNAKE: Has found the key to ultimate happiness, in a cardboard box.
FISHER: Is able to achieve perfect happiness if the guy he's interrogating says "monkey".
WINNER: Tie
SNAKE: Gets to have sex with a hot Chinese double-agent after he saves the world (she double-crosses him later, but that's not important and besides you saw it coming a mile away).
FISHER: Gets to go home to the bliss of single parenthood after he saves the world.
WINNER: Snake
Total:
SNAKE: 9
FISHER: 9
...Huh, whaddya know, a tie. (scratches head) Really didn't see that coming. Maybe we should have a
debate to decide who gets the final point?
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News From Beyond
Summer Vacation
- by Katmandu
It's summer, and that means... vacation! If you're questioning if you need a vacation or not, then you probably need one. Still, here's a
list of questions in case you still have doubts:
- Have you ever missed work or school because you've been up all night playing games?
- Have you ever scheduled a sick day so you can spend all day playing games?
- Does the old joke, "they call it Half Life, because you spend half your life playing it", apply to you?
- Do you spend twice as much of your life playing it?
- Are your closest friends named Yuri, Snake, Duke or Tanya?
- Do you have to explain to your mother that "Yuri" is a name and not a subgenre of Japanese art?
- Does the pizza delivery man recognize your voice when you call in an order?
- Have you arranged a prepaid delivery schedule where pizza is delivered on Monday, pork rinds on Tuesday, potato chips on Wednesday, Doritos on Thursday, real tortilla chips on Friday, salsa on Saturday and seafood dip on Sunday?
- Or all of each, every day?
- Do you need a laptop in order in attend family functions?
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- Have you forgotten what your family looks like, even though you live in the same house?
- Has your family forgotten what you look like, even though you live in the same house?
- Is your idea of a get-together a LAN party?
If you've answered yes to any of the above, it's time for a vacation! And if you answered yes to all of them, it's way past time for a
vacation, so you better start catching up!
The summer is here, and we can help you relax and get away from it all. It's time to meet new friends. In person. Via tactile contact.
And as luck would have it, there's a place where you can meet people with similar interests as your own! It's as easy as making your
reservations right here! A world of wonder and fresh air await! Maybe even
something that passes for proper nutrition is on hand, but we aren't absolutely sure, so don't quote us on that.
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A Patchy Executable
- by The Phiend
Well, it looks like it's that time again. Or rather, it's that time still. Yes, we're talking about the
Rock Patch. Who the heck makes a patch out of rock? Anyway.
For those who don't know what the patcho del lithos is, it's basically an attempt to drive insightless little kids to mod YR by adding new
features to the game engine. And causing crashes, but that goal's ancillary.
While game feature additions could be used to actually further gameplay, experience has shown us that new toys lead to pieces of crap
that exist as side products of playing with new toys. The "wow, I'm so cool to use this thing someone else made! I gotta show everybody
how cool I am!" trend sadly persists past early adolescence.
So to forewarn all our valiant readers... to forewarn our readers... bah. To anyone reading this, here's a list of features of the
Rock Patch v1.08 and the kind of crap you can expect
them to cause:
Lightning storm clones. They're lightning storms that are customizable. The first expected use of this ability
will be to have every single building in the game have its own lightning storm. Even that garrisonable outhouse. Some storms will have black
and red lightning. The name "Black and Red Storm" is foreseen.
Additional string table files. While in theory this means that mods will only have to include small string files instead needing
to put together an edit of the original one, it's more likely that the feature will be used to distribute some sort of poetry or fanfiction
inside the mod, which itself will be distributed across filesharing networks. The epitome of backups.
ImmunityTypes. It's like how Radiation and ImmuneToRadiation works now. Except you can specify the types, which warheads use them
and which units are immune to what. I foresee a T2 mod, where the Arnie Frankfurter hero is immune to bullets. And the mod will be filled
with cheesily thrown together Terminator art and music because, why do anything original when you have the Governator in your mod?
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Bounty logic. You get money when a particular unit of yours kills an enemy unit, the amount based on the cost of that unit. Since
there's a multiplier to this effect, be ready to see the cousin of the $1 Prism Tank: A unit that gets more money for killing a unit then it
cost for their foe to build it in the first place. Talk about a wartime economy.
DontSayUnitLost. A new rules tag of the same name, this suppresses the EVA and radar announcement when a unit with the tag is
destroyed. First use: An Allied player adding the tag to all Soviet and Yuri units, then claiming "not my fault you can't hear when I
wipe out your base, check your hearing" in LAN games.
LaserSize. The size of laser beams was to be specified, to give players a lightshow instead of a playable game - everyone loves
lasers! Never mind if you wanted to see what was happening, you'd have lasers with beams the size of Australia! This alarmed the
Australians though, so out of respect for their sensibilities, this feature has been removed. Retinas of the world rejoice!
Custom Infantry DeathAnims. Now, you can set a particular anim on a warhead instead of using an index on a short list. Perfect
for weapons with custom effects, like all sniper rifles displaying "omfg j00 g0t sn1p3d" in the area of their target.
Custom Missile Types. No more will a modder be limited to the game's 3 types of stock spawned missiles - now he'll be able to add a
bunch of new ones all over the place! This feature wasn't announced until release, as a sort of surprise. The only surprise will be to the
hapless gamer when everything in sight is spawning ballistic missiles, and those missiles use every available voxel pressed into service for
this purpose, like tank turrets, passenger cars, and let's not forget the school bus. All accompanied by lots of game-lagging transparent
smoke trails no doubt.
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Yes, the end is coming, and it is not looking good. At the time of this writing, the Rock Patch has just been released, but we have no
confidence that it won't be recalled. WOE BE TO THE WORLD! THE END IS NEAR! RUN FOR THE HILLS, VERSION-CONTROL YOUR EXECUTABLES!
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| :: C-GEN Newsletter Staff ::
Editor-In-Chief: CannisRabidus
Managing Editors: The Phiend, Cylor
Contributing Editor: Jason
Art Director: Blaze
Newsmonkeys: Wrecking Crew, DCoder,
AcidRoach, Airstriker, Blaze
Guest Newsbanana: Katmandu
© 2006 Cannis Games Editing Network
All your base are belong to C-GEN.
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:: Disclaimer ::
While every attempt has been made to make each article accurate or worth reading, we make no claims that any is either, and we will be
shocked as you are if we manage to do both in the same article. Mods mentioned in this newsletter, and any related media thereof used, are
the property of their respective mod owners, despite how much they'd like us to take all the blame for this. In a event of a water landing,
swimming is advisable. The emergency exits lead back into the burning building. Offer void where prohibited. Offer void everywhere else as
well. Comedy is not for everyone, consult your ego before use. Keep out of the reach of rogue newsbananas. Do not operate heavy machinery
while reading this newsletter. For external use only. We demand additional lumber. We reserve the right to refuse anything to anyone for any
reason at any time anywhere. We will take any complaints as seriously as we take the articles themselves. No womp rats were harmed during
the distribution of this newsletter. Studies as to the effects of newsletter development or production on womp rat vitality remain
inconclusive. Newsbananas make excellent bread. C-GEN. C-GEN mock. Mock GEN mock.
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